


and again and again and

by captainfile



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV), Peter Pan & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Identity Issues, Magic, Neverland (Once Upon a Time), Not Canon Compliant, Time Shenanigans, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 13:59:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17023935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainfile/pseuds/captainfile
Summary: Peter Pan reaches out to pull her from the water and onto the rock revealed by the low tide, but when his fingers brush the surface of the water, lightning strikes.he grins. it's bittersweet.





	1. don't even go there

**Author's Note:**

> robbie kay is ugly and you can't change my mind. this peter pan has the face and acting skills of thomas sangster.
> 
> also i'm pretty sure i was actively suicidal when i wrote this like 2 or 3 years ago. some of that thinking may be infused in the writing, but i haven't read it that closely. there's no suicide or self harm mentioned, though.

Ray's family died on a thursday. the ambulance gave her a shock blanket, a bottle of water, and a police officer to talk to.

"i just need some time alone," she told the old woman, because she didn't know what there was to say. it was obvious who the culprit was.

Ray looked past her bright orange blanket to her bright orange home, the rotten-sweet smell of alcohol thick in the air as fireworks flew in the distance. one of her neighbors brought his son's bunny over for her to pet, but she dropped it the second she felt its soft fur. he decided to bring his son out to sit with her, instead.

"why's it look weird?"

"the chemicals in the," Ray trails off. the boy, she can't even remember his name, frowns in confusion.

"i don't see what all the fuss is about," he shrugs. his father sighs. "can i go back inside? it's cold."

eventually, as the night wore on and the drunks came home, the street cleared and the firefighters started combing the property for embers. there Ray sat, immobile as a few items were cleaned off and handed to her. they survived. there were some warped picture frames that she could have taken the pictures out of, but all she wanted was the rings set carefully on the asphalt before her. the firefighters seemed hesitant to hand them over, but there was little to no damage- it only hurt to know where they were from. why she was alone. she picked up the rings and inspected the inscriptions.

"August 3, 1886," the day her parents sealed the fate of their family.

she stared blandly at the asphalt, barely conscious of any action except what was set before her. she barely noticed when a gust of icy wind blew through the otherwise mild winter night. the shout of a police officer and a panicked scuffle grabbed her attention, barely, and she wandered in the spotlight a bit to find the problem. had her family survived? were they zombies? was Doreen back to finish the job? Ray didn't know anything.

"say it," she heard. "say it."

"i don't know," Ray muttered back.

"say it!"

"what do you want?" Ray yelled. she watched a police officer fall against the rising sun. a swarm of black masses soared through the air in her direction. she observed the bodies surrounding her with a tight chest. "what is happening?"

"say it! say it! say it!" the voice screamed. it was her own voice, in her head, but the words weren't her own.

"i believe," she said, just as she was swallowed.


	2. in case of emergency, break the glass

sunbeams strike the few clouds in the sky and shine through before the wisps are whisked away by the breeze of the ocean. salt seasons the humid, yet moderately cool air the same way it seasons the dynamic waters beneath me.

i must be lanky, because my toes extend into the sea spray off the rock i landed on. my hollow chest burns with the water i choked on before it took pity on me and brought me here. i blink, then stare, beaten and dazed, at the odd shade of blue i've never seen the sky take before. like i'm not where i'm from.

where am i from?

i tug my bottom lip into my mouth and chew off a flake of dead skin, as if by force of habit. slowly, the water rises to cover the rock, and i'm forced to sit up. my hair is more shocking than the sun against the night, and long. stringy with salt. my skin is freckled and rough and dry, but fresh and warm with life at the same time. i examine the woolen cloth hung from my shoulders. the sleeves are long, and heavy with ocean water, as is the lengthy draping skirt.

i begin to examine my surroundings, and realize a certain odd feeling of being everywhere. like i'm here, sitting in a few inches of water on a rock, but i'm a large mass with movement and footsteps and wings and flowers and fruits. i feel the pull that the sun has on the trees, i feel the caves and the roots that grip on air on cliffs, i feel the feather-light kiss a fairy plants on a flower petal. i feel the excitement of someone new, and i know it's me.

but where did i come from?

i stand, careful not to slip, and turn away from the vastness of the ocean to see an island. it looks and feels like home, like me, but i know i'm from somewhere else. if i could just remember.  
movement on the shore. little feet, kicking my sand, dragging sticks and baskets.

"haven't found 'em yet."

"lets check by the mermaids, they probably know."

i duck out of the pair's view, slipping into the water to float closer to the shore. the waves carry me to another rock, still far from shore and hidden by the tide.

"it's game! find the boy, we throw a party."

"father, i didn't mean to break the basket!"

"i'm hungry."

i duck my head underwater to block out the complete awareness. whatever it is.

"don't be afraid."

i notice with a start that the blazing sun burns low on the horizon, and i tread water close to yet another rock revealed by the low tide. i surface, gasping for air, and look up at the shadowed figure on the rock. slowly, carefully, i put distance between us. who is he? what does he want? why are the children looking for me?

"my name's Peter. what's yours?"

"i don't know," i tell him, moving further away as he stares, confused. his eyebrows lower.

"well, come on," his eyes shine darkly with the setting sun, skin illuminated with hellfire and love at the same time. he holds out one hand, nearly touching the water, for me to take. he has slenderer fingers than i, and longer limbs, better built for running through the serene forest behind him.

the boys wait on the shore. Peter reaches into the water, but a flash strikes him and knocks him flat against the rock, as if a mere glare compared to a warning or scolding. Peter's lips, pinkish-orange in the fading light, pull taught in a grin. i swallow salt nervously.

"what was that?"

"who is it?"

"what happened?"

"you can hear them?"

i nod. Peter laughs, but it sounds like a beautiful accident.

"let's call you Sting."

Sting. that is my name, i think. Peter stands and yells it to the children, who cheer, but remain beached. i swim towards them, grinning, as Peter takes flight above me.  
i feel charged. ready. alive. this is where i belong, and if doesn't matter where i'm from. Peter watches me through his lashes, but it only intensifies my joy. i'm not sure why- it's like everything is right, now.

i learn from the children that this place is called Neverland, and they introduce me to all areas of the island as well as their ideals. never grow old, never worry, never follow the rules. it's lovely. i find myself drawn towards the brightest corner of the island, but the children steer me away.

"there's a lot of Dreamshade there, so we stay away. it's a deadly poison," Felix, who is much taller and older than i, advises me from seeking it out. but i know there's no Dreamshade there. i know what's there, and it's all of their fears. it's the only place in Neverland where time does not stand still. i can see it, feel it, but i can't quite reach it- Neverland doesn't want me to access such a secret.

i move on, and learn to hunt like i've done it forever, learn to navigate my own lands and sense the different footfalls of different creatures. Peter is intrigued, explaining that no one else quite understands how connected to the island he is in the way that i do. as we dance around the Indian bonfire, i tap out the rhythms of the mermaid's hearts into his slender fingers, and he holds on impossibly tighter.

the fairies show me the secrets of the land that they don't think i can see, and the Indians show me the secrets of the waters that they don't think i created. i become a part of the island, a part of Peter- Pan, as the children say- and it all becomes me. i dress as if made from roots and brush myself, collect grime between my toes and in my once-bright hair.

"the Aums will be blooming tonight," i mention absently to Nibs as we hunt. there aren't any creatures near us, but he keeps thinking he's hearing something.

"how do you know? you've never seen them," he whispers back. i frown.

"you can't feel it?"

Nibs shushes me. Peter appears to thin air with a grin full of fear and cheer, only to be shot by Nibs out of surprise. Peter catches the arrow before it hits his arm, and takes us both back to camp for the feast. he sits beside me, and though we are far from the flames, i feel them in my mind and stomach and the arm that brushes his side whenever i move.


	3. silence is like honesty

"Peter."

the rising sun is warm, and Peter's arm warmer when i hug it as a greeting. he smiles down at me.

"yes, love?"

excitement speeds my heart while i look down the cliff we stand on. "how do the other boys not feel the island like us?"

the soft smile is weighed down when i look back at Peter. he still looks just divine, but he doesn't answer. a shout from camp interrupts us. with an apologetic look, Peter flies away.

"he loves you."

i turn to the ocean, where a dark form floats before my eyes. "what?"

"you can save him. you can feel the land like he does because you're destined to save him. he can choose you, out of love, or choose power."

"the brightest corner," i mutter, in realization. if i go there, and stop time, Neverland will live on forever. but it's up to Peter whether i can or can't.

"you must convince him."

"and who are you?"

"Neverland's Shadow." it doesn't explain beyond that. taking a deep breath, i nod.

"Sting! come greet our new Lost Boy!"

i wave to the Shadow and fly with my own pixie dust back to camp. Peter takes my hand, rolling the breeze flying by my favorite cave into my palm with his thumb. i smile, filled with warmth, and dance with the newcomer. Peter notices my tenseness, and i notice his, but he doesn't seem to want to address it. i try again to reach the brightest corner of Neverland, but in vain.

in the morning, Peter greets me as always, and i greet him with a kiss on the cheek and a wink.

"what have you got planned?" he asks, following after a moment with a slight tint in his cheeks.

"nothing special," i grin. the day plays out as normal, but i dote on Peter more than he's used to. it doesn't take him long to figure out why.

"you spoke to the Shadow."

i pause in my sparring with Cubby, who looks confusedly between us. the other boys listen in a little too obviously. dread fills my stomach at the malice overcoming Peter's expression. he looks murderous, and so far away.

"what's wrong with that?" i ask, hesitantly. i know i can defend myself, but he's been here longer, and is much bigger than i.

"what's wrong, she asks!" Peter laughs cruelly, throwing his empty hands out to encourage the same emotion in the children. slowly, their smiles appear with dark humor. "think you can save me, seduce me?"

the boys laugh. "Peter Pan never fails!"

"Peter-" i try.

"you're wrong, girl. no one can conquer Peter Pan."

"Peter Pan never fails!"

"you've been bad, Sting. you're no fun!"

my hands shake as i shake my head. his empty grin nears me in his pacing, breath chilling my cheek. the boys continue their chant. "Peter, i just-"

"stop talking. you, Sting, are demoted from Lost Boy status. you don't belong here." every hissed sentence buries a knife in my throat, and i lose the ability to breathe. "you're to leave and never come back. if you ever dare speak my name again, you'll live out eternity in a cage made of thorned vines and shame. i promise you, i will make that happen."

my toes grasp for purchase in the light dirt of the sparring ring as my fingers scrape at my throat. but it is all in vain, the feeling of knives remains and i soar far into the air, over Neverland, and into the searing light of the sun. Peter Pan laughs as lightning strikes all across the island.

in the last moment before i close my eyes, he tears my shadow from my feet.

there is nothing.

"dear, fetch a rag."

"is she waking up?"

"nearly. it might be like last time, however."

"here. hey, what's your name?"

the voices are drowned out by the flaming pain in my throats and head. i try to yell, to relieve the overwhelming sensation, but nothing comes of it.

i can't feel the island.

i breathe in a desperate gust of air, and sit up to face a young woman and what could be her grandmother. where am i? before i yell for Peter, i recall my most recent memory and his promise. but when i try to explain that i need water, or something, my voice still doesn't work. the two women stare at me with worry weighing their brows.

"can you speak?"

the older woman places a placating hand on my arm, and i shrug, then shake my head in response. she lifts a cup to my lips, and as i sip, the pain becomes less distracting.

"you can call me Red, she this is Granny," the other girl suggests. i nod.

"do you know your name?"

i don't want to go by Sting when even thinking of the name hurts. i shake my head and sip more of the dirty water.

"is it alright if we call you something, like, Green?"

i nod, as it fits their comforts, though i'm not sure if i'll stay with this pair. they seem nice, but i feel like i should go back to Neverland. despite knowing how that would end. or rather, would extend into no end.

Granny provides a meal a day, earlier rather than later, and allows me to snack some when i'm feeling extra hungry. she teaches me to make myself clothing- the sparse leggings and torn shirt of Neverland aren't acceptable here, where women are Ladies and only wear skirts. even Granny, who handles guns and is the head of the household.

i eventually learn, through visits to the nearby villages for supplies to repay Granny for my housing and feeding, that this place is called the Enchanted Forest and is run by Her Highness, Queen Regina, or the Evil Queen.

lovely.

in the middle of the night, i hear a Pan pipe many leagues away and cry myself to sleep.

lovely.

but i can't feel him, i can only feel the cold.


	4. get over him

the day Red and Granny tell me that Red is a werewolf is not the worst day in my life. it's not exactly surprising, for some reason, as if i knew them before and could recognize the patterns of a werewolf. Red seems shamed, but i hug her and silently joke by tugging her cape closer around her shoulders.

Granny thanks me constantly for the work i do over the years, but for naught; she does thrice as much, and provides for three more mouths than i. Red notes that as the two of us age, we do so with increasing strength and height, though with less height for her. the villagers nearby accept my frequent visits as normal after a while, and i weave myself a silent place in the Enchanted Forest.

but still daily, i reminisce of my life and love in Neverland. it's odd that i know i spent a long time there even though i didn't feel the time passing. each time Peter returns to the Enchanted Forest to collect children, i get colder and colder. the pain settles, then flashes and roars, then settles. i never know what to do with myself, so i collect firewood and nurse the sick and drape my own emerald cape across my shoulders. it reminds me of what the Indians wore when they hunted.

there's different animals in the Enchanted Forest, and i don't have the advantage of knowing them, but Granny teaches me some for company-keeping as she hunts.

"Green, how nice to see you again," Beatrice smiles, accepting my firewood in exchange for a large sack of wool. i nod, curtsy, and move on to the next stall after balancing the sack on top of what i've already bought in Granny's sled. the market is alive with the few members of the village bustling around in preparation for the long winter. a horn bellows, preceding the approach of the Queen and her men.

she's only visited once before in the five winters i've spent here. it was only a few months after i'd first started traveling around, and she was in search of a traitorous woman whom the villagers regarded as a hero. i found it odd for the citizens of the Queen's kingdom to hate her so much, yet, nothing is done to stop her. except for the woman, Snow White. Red told me Snow White spent a few months with Granny and her before i showed up, shivering, unconscious, and nearly naked, on the edge of their property. she says Snow White is the should-be Queen, and an honest, driven, good woman.

but what's scary about the Evil Queen Regina is that she has the talent of magic. it coils around throats and grinds beating hearts to dust, destroys towns and lives and threatens the entire Enchanted Forest.

"herea, herea, bow to your Queen."

the market, in near unison, bows as Regina strides through on a grand stallion.

"is everyone here?"

one of the Queen's men begins to count heads, but she repeats her question impatiently.

"well?" he decides, instead, to grab the nearest man and shake him. nervously, Jackson shakes his head. "who isn't here?"

"G-G-"

Granny and Red. i tear at my lower lip nervously. Red had an incident last night, so they sent me alone to the market.

"Granny's sick," someone shouts. "coughed so hard, she hit her head. Red's with her, keeping watch-"

"yeah!" Jackson nods vigorously. i breathe, slightly relaxed, but still fearful of Regina. a few villagers rush to Jackson's aid when he's tossed against his market stall.

"make sure they know this. anyone loyal to Snow White will be punished specifically. i do have the upper hand here, but you will face extra consequences if i find that you support her ideals. i'll not have anarchy in my kingdom."

the Evil Queen speaks like cold, calculated murder.

"all found guilty of treason will be punished accordingly, and loyalty to Snow White will add charges to the crime," a horseman reads from a scroll when Regina nods to him.  
when the procession leaves, presumably to threaten the next village over, one of the horsemen lags behind.

"gather your valuables and keep them close to you. a curse is coming to wipe us all out," he whispers, then continues as if he didn't say anything. the village falls into a tense silence. Beatrice stands on her stall when the procession is far away.

"Annabelle, i'll be needing some more of that tea of yours."

the village is oddly calm, but in a hurry to get home when the market closes. i try to fill Granny and Red in, but they hardly understand me- not that they'd believe me if they could. but they do when Granny catches Jackson trying to steal our meat and forces him to explain himself.

she lets him keep the meat.

we collect the valuables and keep them in a pail in Granny's bedroom. we can't really tell when the curse is going to hit, or what it's going to do, so we just keep preparing for whatever situations Granny can concoct. Red and i timidly train with sticks and rocks, though it only draws up memories of Neverland that distract me with physical pain. it's nearly too much as blood pumps in my ears and Granny gets more and more nervous.

people start running. it's hard not to spot the billowing cloud of purple before it comes anywhere near us, but it's not hard to figure out how inescapable it is. Granny, Red, and i sit in the eerie silence, wrapped in cloaks, bearing weapons and sacks of valuables. Jackson flees, tripping over a stone on the path from the village, the only sound we hear except for Red's nervous sobs. the billowing smoke becomes just a part of the silence, like the pain in my neck and head and the cold in my bones. the wind picks up, the air tints, and i feel Red and Granny hold onto my hand in the last moments before we fall asleep.


	5. learn to speak without speaking

i'm kind of chilly.

where am i? what's going on?

"Ivy," Ruby huffs, opening the front door of Granny's Diner. "seriously, we have a room for you. stop sleeping on the porch, it looks bad."

i sigh right back and step in to grab my apron, instantly basking in the premium heating system of the diner. Ruby flips the sign on the door to 'open' and ties her own apron around her waist, but grabs a seat at the bar to read magazines instead of set up for the day, like me. Ivy is my name. that makes sense. of course- i stay with Ruby, my partying older friend, and her grandmother, but resist actually staying with them because it costs them extra money to house a broke customer with all the other guests at the Inn.

Granny comes in to argue with Ruby, as per usual, who throws her hands up eventually to wipe down the dusty tables and whisk a gallon of eggs.

"good morning Ivy," Ashley nods to me like every morning when i sneak into the back for a change of clothes. i wave, and slip silently into the bathroom. jeans and a sweater. seems alright.  
just what i got yesterday, too.

Ruby and her grandmother are in disagreement again when i step out to begin serving, so customers nod to them, then me calmly before finding their usual seats so i can pour their coffees. Mother Superior always floats in just as the second batch of biscuits is fresh, and always eats three with apricot jelly. Ruby serves the cute boys, and i clean the empty tables.

everything is the same until a mysterious woman blocks my usual exit.

"i just need a place to stay," she mutters nervously. "my name's Emma Swan," she holds out a hand. i shake it, and open the door wider for her to get a key from Granny. Ruby shakes her head when i sign a question of recognition to her. i shrug, and turn to the door again only to be face to face with Mister Gold. he owns his whole town, quite unfortunately. it's not that he's particularly mean, or an unfair landlord- it's just a bit nerve wracking for anyone to have other options. sometimes.

"sign says you're still open," he mutters under his breath, only glancing at Emma and Granny for a moment before seating himself and waiting for his coffee. it is my job, i guess.

this is just odd, however. Mister Gold rarely visits us, and no on ever comes this late, to begin with. i end up sleeping inside.

as Emma sticks around, more happens. she tells us she's from Boston- Ruby nearly cries- and Henry Mills is claiming to be her biological son. i'm not surprised, as i hear plenty of gossip and they do look quite similar, but Granny gasps and pats Emma's shoulder sympathetically with a pointed look at Ruby.

"i completely understand the trouble of children," she tells Emma. Ruby rolls her eyes and i try to cover my laugh, only to get elbowed by my older friend.

Ashley has a baby after trying to drive Ruby's car to Boston. then, Mary Margaret, a schoolteacher and frequent customer, becomes the town harlot for having an affair with that one guy whose wife disappeared- or something- he was in a coma?

"David," are the whispers, but mostly, "i can't believe Mary Margaret. what a whore."

so a lot happens. i mostly hate when Ruby quits. Granny moves a little slower, a little less motivated. i have trouble focusing, but i have to take up extra hours to make up for Ruby's absence. we aren't the only two waitresses, we're just the least respected ones. as Ruby likes to say. it's rough for the brief time she's gone.

and then, "i'm sorry, Granny. i was just scared of losing you someday."

they cry together, and i keep sleeping inside, and everything is alright for just a moment. the three of us can forget that a woman is dead and the murderer is out there.  
it's just like Ruby to recover so quickly and bounce back to her old self- she's so tough, and i admire that about her. sometimes i wish i could be that invincible. however, during a sleepover, she reveals that it isn't the truth.

"i was scared," she admits, out loud.

i blink in shock, then sign, "it didn't seem like it."

"i put up an act, Ives. i didn't want to tell you because it's like you're my little sister. i want to be a good example," she sighs. "i'm still scared. holding a human heart? not for me, thanks."  
we laugh, and she puts another coat of charcoal polish on my nails for opacity. and toughness. Ruby's probably the only person here to try and get to know me despite my being mute.  
i grew up in a boathouse orphanage that left me in Storybrooke by accident and never came back. Granny and Ruby kept a quiet watch over me as i tried to make my way in this little town. Ruby's been here her whole life, wishing for Boston and getting stuck whenever Granny is unwell. we're just two trapped teens- or young adults, soon. i tried to go looking for the people who raised me, but i never quite got so far as the town line before i lost my motivation.

but there's still this nagging feeling that i should go back and find them.

"Ivy, Ruby, always lovely," Granny smiles when Ruby and i step into the diner together the next morning. she's been doting on us- us meaning Ruby- since the whole Kathryn debacle, and then especially after Kathryn was found. by Ruby. beaten up behind the diner.

"morning Granny," Ruby greets with a half-smile as i sign the same.

"i put George and Janice in charge for the morning. we are going for a walk," Granny announces just before we clock in. Ruby's eyebrows rise slowly.  


"what's going on?"

"i need to return some books to the library and i thought it would be a good opportunity to spend some quality time, with both of you," the old woman smiles, taking Ruby's arm in response. Ruby and i smile at each other and then her. how nice.


	6. lying by omission is ok

Ruby- Red? Ruby? who cares- starts crying and apologizing to her grandmother. Granny cries right back and holds her granddaughter tightly as the day we were all cursed. Mary-Margaret and David- Snow White and, who, Prince Charming?- laugh and kiss and spin around happily. the grumpy old creep that lives in the giant house on the hill close to the town line even reunites with who seems to be his child.

i collapse to the ground, empty.

i don't even know who i am.

Ray, the orphan? Sting, the Lost Boy? Green, the freak? Ivy, the wreck?

the Shadow said i was destined to save Peter. how did i end up here, then? my throat burns with a million screams that i can't let out. i can't even try. my hands shake and my lungs lock. everything comes back to me. the chemicals in the fuel. my love. magic. how was Neverland both my heaven and my undoing? if i had never gone, maybe i wouldn't have ended up with all this pain. i never got to grieve my family- now i remember them clear as day, my older siblings who wanted the best for me, my parents who saved my life, my dog who protected me until her last breath. living in Storybrooke for who knows how long, i've been living a fake life without the hurt of lies and guilt and visits from Peter Pan just too far away for me to try and reach him. now, i feel it all catch up to me with a fierceness worse than ever before.

Ruby and Granny bend down to comfort me. they don't know who i am. i barely do, for that matter.

"dear, what do you remember?"

i state Granny straight into her hopeful eyes.

"who are you?" i sign. Ruby takes my hands with unending pity. i've already decided- i don't want these memories. i'd rather be Ivy, innocently clueless and full of clever ideas. i feel bad for lying, especially when it ruins their happiness, but they shouldn't know me- i don't care what happens, they just can't know who i really am. 

"we'll take care of you, dear. i'm Granny, this is-"

"Ruby. do you know your name?"

i shake my head. "can we call you-"

"Ivy," Ruby suggests, in near hysterics. i swallow nervously. "that's alright, right? Ivy?"

Granny frowns at her granddaughter while i nod. nothing happens for a moment, and then Ruby collapses in tears on my shoulder.  
whoever broke the curse can go to hell.

"nothing from your past life is for sale, so don't even try," Rumplestiltskin greets when i step into his store. Ruby and Granny went to go have a talk about crying on amnesiacs, so i snuck out of the diner for some revenge. until i realized that i still can't talk. instead i opt for staring the man down until he understands my intentions. "i don't understand your intentions."

lovely.

i roll my eyes and snag the receipt pad and pen from next to the cashier, writing "you made the curse?" on the pad.

"of course, dearie, now you won't be getting any revenge today, so-"

"do you still have magic?"

"it's- tough," he admits. "but yes, and i could kill you if you don't leave."

"could you take my memories back?"

"you have nothing i want, dearie," the man laughs derisively, then gestures to the trinkets and tools lining the walls and filling the glass vases. "and i'm fresh out of pity." i grit my teeth and look around, then spot an odd figure poking out of an open safe. picking up the pas and pen, i step towards it, only to be stopped a few feet away by Rumplestiltskin.

 

"Peter Pan," I write. it sends a shock of pain through my hand, making me drop the pen.

"how do you know?" he mutters, sounding almost scared. how do i know? Peter drew that all the time, that's how. more like, how does the Dark One know about a little kid king? i turn to look at the man with the same question in my eyes, but Rumplestiltskin snarls and shoves me towards the door. "you stay away from here. he sent you, didn't he? sent you to punish me. don't come back, you freak."

i stumble out of the shop, shaking my head. he doesn't understand- Peter Pan doesn't want me. he wants power. it's only a matter of time before he proves it. i don't know how, but he will. it's the only way this could all get worse.

"Ivy, Ivy!"

that isn't me. i wish it was, i really do. "oh, we were so worried!"

"i was just exploring," i sign, pulling a guilty pout. what have i done? i shouldn't be lying, but they just can't know.

"let’s go back to the diner. we prepared a room for you," Granny suggests. i nod carefully and follow them, then accept the clothes they offer me. jeans and a sweater. they want the curse back too, don't they? stupid Rumplestiltskin. i French-braid my hair back, a habit from my Neverland days that i didn't know i learned from my father, then nod at everything Granny says, but don't listen. she tells me i can work at the diner for free food and the room. yes, they want the curse back. but only for my sake.

i keep the French-braid in until Ruby asks about it.

"i don't know," i tell her, "muscle memory, i guess." she nods and asks if i could braid her hair. so i do- i want her to be happy, but i can't help her. there's a tenseness in the diner that everyone can feel but no one can understand. Granny takes me to places we've been before, feigning adventurousness. i look up my family when she's in the bathroom at the library.

they died when my father's siblings and mother soaked our house in alcohol and set it ablaze, but the police were notified and i survived. those responsible were put in Alcatraz's solitary confinement until their deaths.

over sixty years ago.


	7. save the savior

Emma Swan broke the curse. she also caused it, sort of, but i don't want to thank her for anything. i just kind of really want to kill her and not feel bad. the searing pain in my throat doesn't let me try to forget anything.

Emma comes around the diner often enough that we speak, casually. well, she speaks and i nod. so it gets a little deep. she doesn't think i talk to anybody, so she just spills her secrets. what she doesn't know? her biological son, Henry- we're all sure of it now- knows sign language.

"-Henry's father. i thought he left me to go to jail because he was a messed up son of a- gun, but he found out who i was and knew i had to come here. that still makes no sense, because he could have sent me here, but- i don't know."

i nod. Emma has issues. doesn't make her murder any less justifiable. Henry eyes me from his hidden booth, and i sign "she has a lot of feelings" to him. he grins and sips his cinnamon hot chocolate. what a kid, really.

"the outsider- he's awake," Mary Margaret declares, bursting into the diner.

"that's really all i have to say, except that i want his fiancée out, now," Emma mutters, then scurries after Snow White. i cover a laugh, and Henry raises his eyebrows at me, sneaking over for a quick second.

"she's jealous of Tamara," i sign to him. "you better keep it quiet, though." he nods, salutes, and runs out the door. honestly, i don't understand Emma- Tamara hasn't been here long, and she hasn't done anything particularly threatening except be engaged to the love of Emma's life. which, when put in perspective, does seem pretty evil, actually. i laugh to myself and continue wiping down tables.

i dream of wicked smiles and a true love strengthened and ruined by destiny for the fourth night in a row the night after the outsider crashes on the town line, so i pay another visit to Mister Gold. he eyes me cautiously when i enter the store, this time armed with a stack of sticky notes.

"who is he to you?"

"a freak of nature who doesn't deserve the gift of life. what do you want?" Rumplestiltskin snaps. i hold a hand up in apology, already writing my next note.

"he killed me and cursed me to silence."

"good."

"if you know him, you know why i don't want my memories."

"once again, i need payment, dearie. magic always comes at a price."

i huff, trying to think, because i didn't remember that part walking in here. "i'll stop bothering you."

"yes, that's a given. you won't know who i am, nor will you know who my fath- he is."

my eyes widen in surprise. father? i'm thrown out of the shop, across the street, and knocked unconscious by breaking a window before i can have any more thoughts on that.

but when i wake up, i remember. Doctor Whale releases me and hands me off to Ruby, who brings me to Belle. or "Lacey," as she introduces herself. Ruby smiles sadly.

"how did i end up surrounding myself with amnesiacs?"

i laugh, and tap her arm with my fist, because i want her happy. Belle just narrows her eyes in judgement. isn't Belle supposed to be all humble and down to earth and a bookworm? though, Peter Pan is supposed to be some sort of justifiable little hero. not a ticking time bomb who can't admit his own feelings. Disney sort of has everything wrong with that one, from what i can remember of the movies during the curse.

"what do you mean?" Belle asks Ruby, who just looks at me pointedly. i curl in on myself because that- i didn't expect the moment to become to centered on me that i would be reminded that i'm a horrible person and a liar.

we leave Belle to help Granny with the diner. i try to pretend not everything reminds me of my love, and Ruby pretends that she's happy. one of those is way worse than the other, so i make Ruby several coffees over the course of our shift.

"Ivy!"

i look up from the mysterious blue stain on one of the tables to avoid being bulldozed by Henry, who yanks at my apron.

"my mom's in trouble, and my mom said it's Tamara but nobody believes her."

"by context," i sign in reply, "you're saying that Emma is being really obvious about her jealousy?"

"no," he responds, groaning and forgetting about signing his words, "there's something seriously wrong. we can't find my mom, Regina, the mayor, the Queen?"

"hey, stay calm, there's your grandparents running down the street." i grab Henry's shoulder when he tries to turn and run. "you're staying here until Regina's safe," i sign. he huffs, but sits and waits expectantly for hot chocolate. "scrub this stain, i'll figure something out."

"so Ivy," Henry begins when i sit next to him for careful supervision, "you really don't remember your fairytale life?"

"yeah," i nod, but it's hard to lie to a kid. i just can't do it. why can i lie to who should be my best friend and not a little kid?

"likely story."

luckily, we're interrupted by the town falling apart. i lose track of Henry in the chaos, and then find him again when it's all over- with the outsider and Tamara. there's something odd about them.

"-to destroy magic, once and for all."

i follow closely to listen in.

"who do you work for?" thanks, Henry.

"not important right now. what is important is that you come with us."

the outsider pulls something from his pocket. just as i recognize the magic bean and start running, it's too late. the portal is closed. David nearly runs into me trying to stop them, as well. i stare at the ground, and the slight char from the magic, with disgust. Emma cries a little- her son is gone and his father is dead. i pat her shoulder a few times and settle next to Ruby for the usual Granny's Diner Crisis Pep Talk.


	8. don't go back to him

Captain Hook hands the small bag meant for carrying beans to Emma.

"okay, everybody," she breathes, "let's go."

i get swept in with the crowd to the docks, but the Jolly Roger is gone when we arrive, and with it, Captain Hook. Emma opens the bag. "no beans?" Ruby asks.

"gone," Emma turns the bag inside out with a sigh, looking wistfully to the horizon. "i thought he had changed."

the Jolly Roger docks a few minutes later.

"it's the question of where," Rumplestiltskin begins, brandishing a blank globe. he pricks his finger and glances at me, but i think i already know what map the magical globe will reveal. i'm conflicted.

is this the choice? should i stop it? can i?

"Ivy, there you are," Ruby sighs in relief from the dock, but we're already floating away. i sign an apology. "what are you doing?" i don't reply.

"to Neverland."

the island is different from what i remember. my final memory may be this exact image- nearly- but that doesn't mean i quite remember the island being this way. shrouded in darkness and danger. surrounded by demon-infested waters.

"what are we up against?" Emma asks Hook.

he only replies, "not what you'd think."

i retreat into the cabin silently, uninterested in helping people who can't listen to me. they don't know the full story, but i can't tell it to them. it's infuriating. so i stay there until the ship breaks and we have to anchor it.

"we need to team up. it doesn't matter that Rumple's gone," Emma declares, "what we need is ourselves. he was right- this land is run be belief. we need to believe, not in magic, but each other."

"with her? and him?" David motions to Regina and Captain Hook. there's a quiet eye to me, only because i haven't figured out a way to tell them without telling them yet. i want to help. this group cares about Henry, and i do too- if power comes at the price of him, i won't let it happen. i'll force that devil's hand and rob him of his choice. if i can even do that.

"yes, with them, because we need a hero, a villain, a pirate, a mother! we might need these skills! and i'm your leader, so this is what we're doing."

"and you, what are you here for?" Regina turns to me. i swallow nervously and poke at the sand with my sneaker. it's odd to be so dressed, here. the thought brings to mind a really bad idea, but isn't that what brains are for?

i slip my shoes off, then turn to the dense, new, dangerous jungle, and step into it, instantly becoming a part of it with a strike of lightning. instantly, my sense comes back to me- the island hits me like a gust of fresh air, but too much- it's sour, aging, molding. it's overrun by anger and loneliness. it's run by he who is angry and lonely. i know it.

here i am, Peter Pan. hope you're ready to fall in love.

the group is impressed enough by my demonstration that they trust me and Hook to lead the way through the vast forest. but every step i take is intentional, in just the right or wrong direction. mostly i go in the same direction as Hook, but i occasionally point us back on track towards the best clearing to camp out. thankfully i'm able to keep us away from the Dreamshade.

"this seems like a good place to stop," Hook observes when we reach the small clearing.

"my son's life is at stake here, and you want to take a break?" Regina demands.

Hook nods, "this island's a bloody trap. you'll need the rest, believe me. something tells me Ivy here has visited before and knows how bad it can be. did you face the worst?"

i fell in love with the worst, Captain. but don't worry, i'll fix it! 'the worst' just has an issue with destiny.

i shake my head, no.

David builds a fire for, well, i'm not sure what- we're all already sweating, and Emma has a lamp or two set up already. so David builds a fire to make himself feel helpful. Snow White lays out blankets to sleep on. i sit on mine and lean against a tree, aware of all the eyes watching the group. of course, most of the children are gone, and reduced to a solid army of only the most violent and violently loyal of who Peter Pan and the Shadow could find.

as an experiment, i try mentally- internally, externally, becoming one with an island is weird when i know what it's like to be normal- reaching for the brightest corner, but it is a dim hope and a dimmer light. also, a stronger wall. he's going to laugh when he sees me. he's laughing already, probably. but i try not to think about that. i also try not to think about how i can't feel him on the island- like he's blocking himself off, or gone. it weird. i can feel Henry in the camp, and i can hear the boys dancing, but it's like Peter Pan is not there to play for them or put Henry in a cage.

Hook approaches me when the fire begins to die down, and Regina and Emma are asleep. the Charmings watch him carefully. "when were you here?" he wonders quietly, handing me a solid stick to draw in the dirt. i give him a look and stare at the dirt, forming it wordlessly into words. if this is how it's going to be, i still need to prove my worth.

"time does not exist here"

"what was it like, when you were here?"

"nice" i think for a moment and add "happy"

"what about when you left?" Hook asks.

"still the same, up until my final moments"

"then what happened?"

i gesture to my throat. David steps over and crouches by my side, eyeing the dirt-voice conversation. "Peter Pan is the reason you can't talk?" i nod. Mary Margaret appears beside her beloved to rub my shoulder comfortingly.

"do you know how to get your voice back?" 

Hook barely finishes asking his question, because we all suddenly doze off. i catch a glimpse of a dusty heel just before my eyes close.


	9. "when in doubt, use magic" no

i wake in the morning to find the group milling about as if Peter Pan never knocked us all out in the middle of a conversation last night. Emma sits on a log and stares at a piece of paper, Hook eyes me carefully as if confused by me, and the Charmings ignore me. Regina just seems unimpressed with my late start.

what happened?

"i stole their memories."

shit. i stand suddenly, bones shaking with the sudden overwhelming presence of only one boy- one boy who is much less nice than what i remember. a chuckle knocks its way through my joints, a smug smirk settles in my stomach. where did he come from? i think of what he said. why did he do that?

green eyes squint in judgement. "you should be able to figure it out, love." hostile. he doesn't want me near that corner. he wants me discouraged. alone. empty. "aren't you smart," he laughs. i tug at my hair and spin, sucking in a breath when he laughs again. shit.

"what are you on?" Regina demands. i trip on the fire, but it doesn't harm me, and i keep moving until i run into a tree. finally, my bones are my own again. i sigh. i can feel him now. 

"sorry," i sign, uncaring about the reception.

"here," Mary Margaret offers food, clearly second-guessing letting me join the group. if only a certain Boy Wonder would choose love over this unhealthy punishment, you could know how nice you should be, Mary Margaret. screw you. i take the food. it tastes like charcoal and seawater.

"you know," Regina suggests to Emma, "i could just use magic on it."

Peter gave her that paper. i look in the general direction of the camp and resist a smile despite everything that's happening. the Pied Piper, Peter Pan, gave a Piece of Paper to the Princess. funny joke. "no, i need to accept who i truly am for the map to reveal itself," Emma tells the Evil Queen, who huffs and goes to lean against a tree.

"don't be afraid of the S word," David suggests. Savior? Emma needs to accept that she's the Savior? no, i think she accepts it too much.

across the island, Peter picks an apple from a glowing tree on the edge of his favorite creek. "great minds think alike, love."

see, i know he's in love with me, but i also know he's denying it and me. so what is flirting, and why does he seem to do it? and why does he keep listening to my mind?

"i'm the Savior," Emma tries. nothing happens. "i don't know, there's nothing i've denied more than that."

"yes, that doesn't work, but this will." Regina grabs the parchment, then uses some sort of spell to make it float and glow.

"what did you do?" Emma wonders.

"a tracking spell. this belonged to Pan, it'll lead us to him," the Evil Queen answers, watching the paper. Emma nods. idiots. we follow Emma's lead. i bring up the rear, aware of my vulnerability, but i keep close to the group and listen carefully to what Peter does. which is, nothing regarding me, so i don't worry too much. but it's obvious what the repercussions of cheating with magic are.

"he's here," Regina declares, "i can feel his smugness." yes, well, she doesn't know it, but that smugness increases with her statement. he becomes reckless for a moment- i feel his adrenaline- and sends a soft hum through me. i shake off the want to join in with it and pretend as though i'm a functional, helpful part of this group. the hum increases with a laugh, and a tongue laves across my throat. Peter seems to realizes what he's doing suddenly, and pulls away, focusing more on his game with Emma. i swipe beads of moisture from my neck that aren't sweat.

"there's nobody here," David observes, lifting charred wood and twine. i realize with a start as my toes curl around a braid of roots that this used to be an Indian camp. my heart speeds with fear and i feel the need to hide my face. who am i to walk over their dead bodies?

"is that-"

"Henry!" Emma yells. i conceal myself by tucking my hair into my hoodie, which i consider to be my disguise when my hiking gear provided by the land falls away. of course it isn't Henry. how could it be? Peter looks over at me for only a split second when addressing the group, but he isn't the one i'm hiding from. the boys. i feel terrible.

"you cheated, Emma. bad form. i expected more from you, Captain."

i shiver minutely at his words, but Hook just glares at the boy. "aye, and you'll get it." when the boys surround us, i hold up a gnarled stick as my only defense. "watch their arrows," Hook warns the group, "they're dipped in poison."

Peter watches the fight, and i avoid direct conflict by knocking arrows from the air to defend Emma and Hook. David gets hit, but there's not much i could have done- he jumped in front of it. idiot. but the injury does encourage more effort from me, though i'm stopped before i can even start. Peter holds both my hands against my collarbone, with an arm around my waist, trapping me.

"you'd hurt them?" he questions. i shake with how rough his new approach is. "listen to these adults."

"what i did to Rufio, it'll be nothing compared to you," Hook snarls, nearly slicing Felix's head clean off his shoulders.

"where is Henry?" Emma screams into the face of Nibs, who stares at her blankly. "where is he?"

"traitor," Peter hisses, tossing me into the fray, before whistling to call the boys to himself. i can't hear, or think, or feel, because nothing cuts through the smack of harsh screaming my in my head and throat. i grasp at my hair, and try to search for help, but i can't see anything. just pain. it subsides with Peter's exit, and we return to camp.


	10. except, use magic

Emma is an orphan. of course she is. why the hell not? no, i actually did know Peter's intentions with the map from the start, but their surprise pisses me off for some reason. did they not think that coming to an island full of orphans would teach them something? idiots.

"Pan moves the camp all the time, so we'll never catch up to it." games, Hook. games. "but we need someone to help us in, anyways. someone who knows him. Ivy and i already fought him, so i have someone else in mind."

Tinker Bell. she's the only fairy left, somehow, and she isn't even a fairy anymore. i cringe at her scavenged hut on the edge of where the pixie trees used to grow. only one remains, now, and it's cursed. Regina seems just as hesitant to see Tink, but charges on.

we find the sad hut after long hours of pushing through the jungle of vines and shrubs, and Regina reveals why she was so hesitant via being held hostage. briefly. i head their discussion about true love, but keep quiet. obviously.

"hey, we're all friends here," Regina claims. Tink nods in agreement, then spots me with sudden shock and anger. "maybe not?"

"you're the reason he's like this, you whore," Tinker Bell snarls. "we trusted you and you ruined everything. i'm alone because of you."

she continues her verbal attack, and Peter becomes uncomfortable somewhere across the island, but i ignore him to deal with the active problem.

"i didn't mean to, Tink," i shape from the wood chips she planned to eat for breakfast before we invaded her territory. "i swear, i didn't do anything wrong."

"didn't do anything wrong? you were banished! for treason!"

i swallow and shake my head. "i was banished for cowardice."

the group has turned away in respect. David has his sword drawn, however, and Peter becomes tense on the edge of my mind.

"i'm not surprised at that, either. but it's a lie, i heard the whole story from Peter Pan himself. came wandering in my neck of the woods shortly after you blew this place to bits," she taunts, leaning suggestively. i glare at the fairy, worried about my love. he wouldn't have. he may be terrible, but he loves me, even if he doesn't want to. he wouldn't- "had a great time, love," Tink mocks. David turns around.

"i have other loyalties now, I'm not a blind follower like you," i shape, pretending not to see the movement. he seems happy with my response and turns away again.

"you're a liar," Peter hisses in my ear. Tinker Bell's eyes widen in shock. "and you," he turns to her, "i'm just disappointed." with that he's gone, and Tinker Bell is paler than a ghost and quieter than me. the group seems to have not seen Peter, as they seem confused.

"i'll help with what i can."

the ex-fairy is as helpful as i have been.

when we make camp again, i'm confronted by the Charmings, who seem to share the same sentiment. David is frustrated by Hook and his injury, and Mary Margaret by Emma's revelation and the lack of progress, so they take it out on me. i know why they don't understand. Peter, it won't work.

it won't work, i think harshly, as my hands shake with nerves and my breaths become labored in fear. Snow White and her Prince step closer, growling and shouting and snapping at my weaknesses.

"you're keeping knowledge from us!"

"i regret letting you stay alive. we should have left you in Storybrooke, or out at sea."

"you aren't here for any reason."

"you're a threat to all of our happiness!"

the dim sky churns, and for a moment i think it's me, but i can't focus enough to strike, let alone bring on a storm. David draws his sword.

"you seem to be mistaken."

my lungs collapse when he appears, barely an inch between his back and my chest. i want to reach out and hug him, but he caused this, didn't he?

"me? mistaken? my logic is perfectly intact, boy. yours, on the other hand-"

"i make a lot more sense than ganging up on a child," Peter laughs. it's filled with anger. heat radiates from his back, and while drawn to him, i'm still scared. i glare at the back of his head. he feels sorry, but he's scared, too.

i only know this from the island. Peter, on the other hand, is an idiot.

"she's as innocent as you, Pan," Mary Margaret snaps. the group gathers behind her and David, seemingly in agreement. Peter looks between them, conflicted, then steps away from me.

"have your memories, then," he tells them, denying them all into a haze while he turns around and steps close again. the storm above us darkens even more, then flashes with cloud lightning, casting a brief light on Peter's expression. he seems to be in the same trance as the group behind him. "you will never rule me," he murmurs, lips brushing my jaw. i want to just kiss him and stop all this and make it better, but he leans back to make eye contact. damn, he's beautiful. "and believe me," he continues, "i keep my promises." so dramatic. but the words settle in my gut, regardless.

his eyes reflect the storm brewing harshly above us, and i find myself lost for a moment. everything would be so much easier if he wasn't so tempted to choose against love. i still can't figure out how Henry is the powerful choice, as he isn't exactly a magic expert or anything, but it doesn't matter. i just need to convince Peter to choose love. despite everything he says, i think i can do it. the choice hasn't been made yet. i reach out to brush Peter's jaw with my fingertips, but he backs away with contradiction in his expression.

Peter Pan flies away, back to his camp, ignorant of the tempest striking the island.


	11. trust girls in cages

i thought, despite Peter's words, that we had a moment there. beneath all his feelings accumulating into a nasty windstorm with sharp rain like ice cutting our cheeks as i hiked with the group through the wilderness. because the world moved on, and it was nothing, clearly. he takes Henry and rows him towards the brightest part of the island, where i want desperately to go, but we head instead into Peter's camp, along with Henry’s father and Rumpelstiltskin.

"you were here before Neverland was like this?" Neal asks. Emma explained the situation to him briefly. guess she and the Evil Queen weren't as asleep as i thought that night. i nod. Rumplestiltskin sends me a sharp look.

"she kind of- caused it-" Tinker Bell trails off at the memory of our meeting with Peter. Neal's eyebrows raise, but i shake my head to demonstrate the irrelevance. i didn't do a thing- Peter is the problem. what's new, right? now can we stop him already?

"it's empty," Neal observes when we enter the camp. yes, now let’s go!

"help!" oh, my gosh.

"is that- Wendy?" Neal gasps, running to a cage. the girl whimpers, looking at all the adults in Neverland. "it's Baelfire."

"oh, you've grown up," the girl observes. her cage is made of twine, vines, and string leaves, and locked with magic. i easily break the lock and help her out. she thanks me with a nod. "i don't know where Peter is, i- i've been locked in there for a long time," she lies. Emma and Regina sense that. i just know because i heard Felix poking her back in a few hours ago after she hung out in the treehouse to scare Henry.

"is it true? are you lying?" Neal asks her. she caves, explaining that her brothers are being threatened as blackmail for her to help Peter find and win the Heart of the Truest Believer, and that they're going to Skull Rock. the choice. i have to stop him.

"we will go find the Lost Boys and the Jolly Roger, you all go save Henry," Hook suggests. Emma smiles at him, and leaves with her designated group.

"is your cloak warm?"

"we can trade," i tell Wendy in response with floating mud-letters. she beams, still shivering, and i switch our outfits with magic. her nightgown nearly fits me, but it's a bit wide and short. she seems comfortable in the snug four layers of jungle-fit gear.

"who are you?" she asks. i shrug, reminded of my ongoing crisis regarding living several lives. "okay, in relation to Neverland."

"i sort of am Neverland," i confess, thinking of Ruby and how much easier it is to talk to her, "and i'm destined to save it." Wendy nods slowly, barely understanding, but trudges along the path, anyways.

"i thought i was destined to live in that cage forever, but you saved me," she laughs sadly. she has wide blue eyes and knotted blonde hair, but she still seems to be holding on. unlike a certain mute over here. "Pan's Shadow stole me and my brothers from our home in London, many years ago."

Shadow? as in, Neverland's Shadow? i shape the floating mud into a question mark. the removing of one's shadow would be incredibly painful- why would Peter do it to himself?

"he tore his own shadow from his body," Wendy verifies my odd suspicion. my eyebrows lower in confusion, but i continue leading the girl to the Jolly Roger. she smiles weakly when we reach it. "i attacked this ship, once," she recalls. i search for the Lost Boys at her statement and find them spread out to surround the ship. i drop Wendy's arm and sprint, dress billowing, onto the ship to find Hook.

"they're surrounding the ship," i sign, then grit my teeth and write "LOST BOYS EVERYWHERE" on the loose parchment on his desk. he seems oddly civilized for a pirate, with his ink well filled and everything.

"lovely," Hook nods sarcastically, drawing his sword. "come out, come out, wherever you are!"

i wait with Wendy on the ship as Hook ties the boys up. she rambles about life in London, and her brothers. i nod absently and try to break into the one place i've never been. it's all in vain.

"we don't surrender!" Nibs yells. i smile, distracted from my task, and stand, bringing Wendy off the ship to see the boys. Felix recognizes me first- he hasn't changed, but i have.

"traitor!" the older boy claims. i sit cross-legged in front of the boys, despite his snarling and snapping. he killed the Indians.

"Sting?"

i nod to Nibs, gesturing to myself.

"what happened?" "why are you back?" "we thought you were dead!" "who are you?"

"she can't talk," Hook explains gruffly, coming to stand behind my shoulder. Wendy eyes me suspiciously. "Pan cursed her."

"and you're keeping her captive!"

"she climbed aboard, knowing where we would be going. she's helped us stop Pan."

and now i want to stop Captain Hook. why would he say that? idiot. shake my head, trying to communicate that i'd never hurt the boys like Peter said i would. "well, do you want to stop him or not?" Wendy asks. i look to Felix, who looks disgusted with me. what is it he shouted when the boys began their charge?

"Peter Pan never fails, Emma," i hear across the island. my smile drops, and i stand, listening intently.

"Henry, don't give it to him."

"what is it?" Felix asks, as if i could answer. i brush him off and crouch beside Wendy, motioning towards my heart.

"Pan said he wanted Henry's heart. the Heart of the Truest Believer," she repeats. how ironic that both of Peter's options involve hearts. i instantly try to fly, but only make it a few inches off the ground before Hook stops me.

"they've got it handled, Ivy."

"don't touch her," the twins demand in unison. i lower myself to the ground, and Hook lets go.

"you think she deserves respect? she's gone against us all," Felix snarls. Nibs glares at him. the boys all seem more trusting of Nibs than fearing of Felix, unfortunately for the old boy.


	12. death is less sweet the second time

"you can save magic, Henry."

"Henry, we love you."

"i'm sorry, i have to do this."

i feel it. the end. the choice. the boys watch as my knees buckle and break, my flesh pales and tears, and i become completely limp. Hook barely catches me, but the boys tear themselves from their restraints to assist in lying me down in the sand.

"how did that feel?"

"like a tickle."

he's happy with his choice. i struggle to find the strength to breathe or keep my eyes open. how dare he, if these are the repercussions? i'm cut off from the island, suddenly, like a flake of dead skin that falls and is forgotten forever. i can't feel anything, except what anger i can hold on to. Nibs tries to press circulation into my hand, and even Felix twists the ends of my pale locks. it's not like he has always hated me.

i blink slowly, thinking i'm hallucinating, when Peter pauses in his victorious fly over the Jolly Roger. he ducks down, and Hook nearly swipes at him, but is stopped by the circle of Lost Boys.

"save her," Nibs whispers. i stare at the beautiful creature floating above me, but my face contorts in disgust without my meaning to. he did this- he chose power, and not love, and this is what he gets. i tried to help him, but he threw me away, and can't go back now. in his own words, i'll never rule him.

the boys move when Peter settles by my head soundlessly. it's almost ironic how i can't speak to yell at him.

"i did this," he mutters without meaning to. my stomach burns and churns with anger, and the sky above heats up as if ready for my reaction when Peter Pan lowers himself and his lips to my own. he's blown back after barely a moment, and looks at me with fear in his eyes from ten feet in the air. "this is meant to happen, because Peter Pan never fails," he laughs, and it sounds like a complete lie. he flies off to hide. Felix tugs on my hair subconsciously.

i notice, silently, while Hook and Tinker Bell discuss exit plans, that the pain is gone. of course, my bones ache with my fast-approaching death, and my skin burns with anger, and my lungs and heart burn with emptiness. but the pain signifying my ability to speak is just leaving. the icy fingers of my end replace the eternal scream, but i almost find it comforting. it's hard to stay angry when i know nothing can come of it- i am without hope, it may be true- but i continue to feel for the sake of feeling. if i become more hollow than i already am, the boys will lose hope, as well. and i can't take their happiness away. so i grit my teeth and clench my jaw and steel myself and stand tall, only to be picked up by many little hands and little hearts both saved and poisoned by a boy-king. they all set me on the ground again, as if to preserve what's left.

"Pan got away," Emma yells, following Regina, who carries Henry onto the Jolly Roger for David to take care of him. "Rumple's gone, Pan trapped him in Pandora's Box."

"he took Henry's heart, we have to get it back," Mary Margaret huffs, eyeing the Lost Boys subtly. or so she thinks. Felix tenses, on arm still beneath my head.

"where is he?" Regina suddenly yells, running at Felix, who stands gracefully with a smirk. Nibs swallows, and Slightly leans forward to lift my head again.

"it's useless. Pan won already, and he never fails."

"if you don't want to tell me, is guess i'll just-" Emma stops the Evil Queen from tearing the boy's heart out.

"there's a better way. we just have to give what every child wants," she says, "a mother." she turns around and crouches. "listen, i know you're all loyal to Pan. i understand how you see him- he was there to take you from being an orphan. you feel like you belong here. but really, family doesn't make you do the sort of things Pan made you do."

my eyes flick to Felix, then the twins, knowing she's wrong- these boys came from places so much worse than cackling and pointy sticks and sacrifice. but the Savior continues.

"for a long time, i didn't have a family. i never thought i would find them, and i was alone, a Lost Girl. i clung to whoever would care to give me attention, and thought the best of them. that's what you think of Pan now- because he pulled you from what you had before, you became lost, and he became your compass. but he's pointing you the wrong way. away from home.

"we could give you a home. i realized today that i do have a family, one that loves and cares for me. you can have that, too- you can come with us, and you'll never be forced to do anything you don't want, and you'll be loved by a real family," Emma promises.

"Pan is the only family we need," Felix snarls.

"he lied to you and made you do terrible things. he lied to Henry, and convinced him to give up his own heart!"

"to save the island," Slightly protests, but looks down at the aftermath.

"to save himself!" Emma disagrees. Felix shakes his head. "and until Pan absorbs the magic from Henry's heart, he can still be stopped."

"you just have to tell us where he is," Mary Margaret adds.

"leave now while Pan allows you to breathe," Felix threatens.

but the boys reveal the Thinking Tree. i frown at Felix, angry at Peter for just everything. and poor Felix can't go back on him now.

"thank you," David sighs, "now let's get you all on the ship."

i sit by the boys, of course, who don't let me walk myself to the ship. they help Felix carry me, but he seems torn between following Pan's words or actions. when i tap his shoulder, attempting an inquiring expression, he sighs.

"you've grown a little, Sting," he observes. "almost as tall as me." it's true, even though Felix is probably still older than me- eighteen or nineteen to my seventeen- but i wait for the boy to continue without responding. "we've betrayed Pan. he may have said you're meant to die, but we're still saving you, and the boys revealed his hiding spot. for the first time, i'm afraid of what he may do. i know he cares about all of us, including you, on some level, but i hope that you'll protect us if the need arises. even with- this," he shrugs, causing me to slip a little. Nibs glares at the tall boy, ready to catch him, unaware of Felix's words.

i'm asleep before we set sail.


	13. trust boys in boxes

while i slept, Henry's heart was returned to him and Rumplestiltskin was freed from Pandora's Box in exchange for Peter. the boys tell me this when i wake just a few minutes from Storybrooke. Felix wears a scowl, wanting to punish the boys for their treason but unable to.

"Peter Pan never fails," he repeats to himself. i frown.

"Ivy," David calls. "i was able to reach Doctor Whale. he has a wheelchair waiting for you at the docks. we're still figuring out where the boys will stay until they're adopted, but i have a feeling that'll be with you at Granny's." he mutters all this, but the boys overhear. i can see their demeanor; he can't. i nod in understanding.

we reach the docks, and the boys are escorted last, refusing to leave my side. i catch a glimpse of Henry, face full of worry, watching the boys.

"he probably thinks we want to kill him, too," Tootles huffs. "just because i fought him that one time. what a brat, i say."

"Ivy?"

everyone looks up at the dramatic Ruby, who cheers and drags her grandmother to welcome me back. i grin, and she laughs, and cries, and welcomes the boys.

Peter Pan is making me lie to Ruby, again, even from beyond the grave. but i feel as though this isn't the end, as i'm still alive and dying. maybe the choice was made, and then unmade by Henry's recovery, but i was unaffected by the latter.

"come to the diner with us, we'll get you situated," Granny offers after Tink comes over and introduces herself. "we have plenty of room, free of charge." i get a wink from the old woman. Ruby tries to situate herself behind my wheelchair, but each of the twins reach in and grab the handles before she can, working together to push me, inch by inch, down the dock.

"looks like you made some friends," my old friend observes with a worried smile. i reach out and take her hand, signing an endearment into her fingers. her eyebrows furrow at the different between my expression and my words, one being empty and dead and the other being full of hope and happiness. i can't keep my secret from her anymore. not if i'm about to die; it feels wrong, suddenly, to keep my true feelings from my friend. i explain everything when we reach Granny's and have a moment of solitude in my room while the boys settle in.

"so you can call me whatever you'd like, i'm sorry if this confused you, and i'm sorry for lying to you for so long and then leaving you. it's confusing to myself, as well," i sign, finishing the story. Ruby sighs.

"you're in love. i can't judge you for anything. don't be ashamed."

thunder rolls, and the air becomes taught with lightning that should have preceded it, but nothing happens. the Lost Boys dance through the flooded beach. they don't seem to be worried about being washed out to sea. i turn to watch them, grinning, swaying along to the flute and the drumroll of the rain. Rufio throws me a drum and i beat along with the rhythm of the droplets landing on the shallow water. the boys each knock it with their various instruments as they pass. someone leans against my shoulders, heavy with presence but light in force. the pipes ring closely to my ear and i laugh, catching the taps of each passing child. those fairies who prefer the rain swirl above the celebration, and those mermaids who prefer the boys tickle at our ankles.

"to Slightly, the newest Lost Boy!" Peter yells, the vibration of his voice traveling through my shoulders and heels through him and the land. the Lost Boys and i yell back, cheerful, and i tap a few extra beats into my drum. Slightly laughs and whoops. "to the rain!" another answering cheer. "to Sting, for betraying us all!"

"Ivy, what the hell!"

i open my eyes from where they were squeezed shut, and the scream at my lips dies into silence. Ruby, armed with the lamp which used to be on the table next to the chair she used to be sitting in, watches me with suspicion and worry.

"what?" i wonder, but it comes out, raspy and breathless.

"Ivy, you can talk!"

"why?" i ask, looking down at the sweat-soaked sheets. i must have fallen asleep under Ruby's watch and had a nightmare. Ruby shakes her head, because she doesn't know, but she at least helps me into the shower. the boys meet me in the diner.

"you look funny," Cubby comments, eyeing my dark jeans, boots, and sweater with suspicion.

"now, you all sit and listen and don't tell anybody i told you this," i turn to the boys, who gape like fish at my voice. they sit. "the plan is, we get back to Neverland and i restore it to its previous glory. if you'd like not to come, you don't have to, but you must keep it a secret. no one here knows how beautiful and free Neverland once was."

"but you're hurt," Felix argues.

"i hope i recover like Henry did, but-"

a scream interrupts our meeting. Ruby rushes to the window from the counter, but doesn't see anything. the boys push to join her, fighting over the best view. i can't summon the strength to roll myself towards them.

"you're only getting worse." i swallow and look at Felix, who hasn't moved- he's never been one to jump up and join the excitement. "i'm not sure you'd make it back to Neverland, let alone rebuild it."

"the boys can, if i can't. the thing is, you're still here, and i have a feeling you'd rather follow him into war than me into the aftermath."

"you think i'm against you."

"i think," i correct him, "that you have just as many feelings about him as i do, but different intentions. a different role."

it's true. he nods. my destiny is to both destroy and save Peter, and i intend to do more destroying than saving, and Felix's destiny is to fiercely follow Peter until death.


	14. stop him

when i wake, Ruby helps me downstairs to meet the Lost Boys in the diner. Felix is missing. i frown, and listen to Ruby's story from town gossip that Henry may have switched with Peter Pan and trapped in Pandora's Box until Emma removed him to investigate her suspicion.

"we should help," i tell my friend. "the Lost Boys and i know him better than anyone here."

"we betrayed him, Sting. he'll skin us alive, or worse, if he finds us."

"we'll just have to find him first, Nibs," i tell the boy. he nods, assured. "besides, it may help with our secret plan," i whisper- not that my voice rises much higher than a whisper on its own.

"secret plan?" Ruby inquires, when Nibs runs off. i shrug weakly and sip the water she hold out for me.

"how else do i keep a bunch of kids occupied?"

Ruby helps me and the Lost Boys slip through the back alley quietly, with me as their leader. i hold up a hand as a signal to stop just before we reach the end of the alley.

"mom, are you gonna be alright?"

"the important thing is, you will be."

Emma rubs Henry's shoulder, and i signal for the train of children behind me to keep moving- Slightly pushes me along the side of the diner, towards the voices. Ruby eyes where she found Kathryn not too long ago and ushers the boys along.

"no, he won't."

"watch out, he has the-"

the boy-king appears. the deity dressed as a child, the man playing innocent. his smile, and the soft wave of his hand, are anything but. they are murderous, and freeze the group gathered in the street. the Lost Boys keep moving, silently, until they realize what just happened.

"curse," the boy-king, my love, laughs and holds up a small object. i stand, to the surprise of the children behind me, and begin walking. "could play you like a bunch of dolls, couldn't i? the real question is, who to kill first?" he considers his options. "oh, i know. you."

"you won't touch either of them," Rumplestiltskin growls, appearing at the immortal's shoulder to pull him away from the group. i don't pay attention to the words, just on my feet moving forward on the pavement. Ruby felt the need to dress me in practically the same as yesterday, despite how hard it was to remove the jeans, so i at least am protected by my boots.

"pretty, pretty words," the boy wonder laughs, "but still, no magic."

they still don't notice my trudging.

"i don't need it. you see, you lost your Shadow, but so did i. and i sent it away with something to hide," Rumplestiltskin responds, holding his hand up in the air. an idea comes to mind. "goodbye, Papa."

"Peter Pan-" "-Ray."

our names, spoken in unison, are almost like magnets. he looks at me, stares, at my daring to go against his promise. soundlessly, as Rumplestiltskin drives a dagger into his own chest, Peter releases himself from his son's hold to walk through him and to me. i ignore the group, the dying man, the children behind me. i repeat my love's name, as he repeats mine, and then we stand toe to toe.

"you failed, Peter Pan," i mutter. "you chose power over love because you thought you could rule power, but that's not how it works. no, power rules you with the choice you made." my voice raises, and Peter's breaths become labored the longer our eye contact lasts. he is the one to look down. "i think it's time for us all to really go home."

i pick Peter up in the same way Felix carried me and fly without pixie dust, prompting the Lost Boys to chase me to the docks. when we're a safe distance away, i remove Peter's freezing charm from the group standing in the street and place the boy-king on on the most expensive looking boat. the boys run onto it, but i float back to the docks to say goodbye to Ruby.

"this was the secret plan?"

"i’d like to visit sometime, if you'll let me. but my business with Peter Pan is far from over," i tell her, guilt in my frown. the weight in my joints and cold in my veins begin to lighten up.

"you're always welcome, Ivy. i hope it's often. Belle is likely to push me away in mourning."

"don't let her, even if she gets angry with you. she's nice," i tell my old friend, then hug her and swing onto the boat. "give Granny my love, and apologize to everybody- i think Rumplestiltskin is dead, but he was always moderately villainous," i yell, waving.

"how will we get to Neverland?" the twins ask in unison. Peter, head hung low, watches me through his lashes.

"full speed ahead!" i toss a hand out, feeling blood flow through with new life as i pull the ropes from the dock and we begin to float away. Nibs cheers from the steering wheel, but the boys still seem a little confused. Slightly taps my arm, and then gasps. "as they say in the books," i tell him and the boys, "second star to the right! straight on 'till morning!"

Neverland's Shadow may have been captured, but it was simply a guide left behind by the nightmares of children long ago. Peter's Shadow still remains, as well as mine, and i find myself able to control both. they infuse with the ship and its motor, making us soar into the sky.

Peter sits in the corner at the back of the boat, ignored. i watch him warily, worried about what the boy-king will do if i give him the impression that he can roam free. he doesn't seem to have that impression, and when we land in his realm, he doesn't move. i find myself able to feel the island again. it's dark. i close my eyes and dream, awake, of a better time. when i open my eyes, the boys all gasp. the sky clears, the waters glow, the trees bloom, the sand shines, the Indians whoop and holler, thirsty for adventure. i smile back at the Lost Boys and tie us with magic to the dock i create with half a thought.

"welcome to Neverland, boys."


	15. you are in love

"oh, how the mighty fall."

it's the first time i've addressed his desperation so blatantly. Peter freezes, hand still touching mine ever so slightly as i pour his soup.

"sorry," he mutters, as if he can't help his own greed to conquer and stay alive. there's plenty of sand still left in the hourglass, but with each passing moment, he passes more of his power to me with some silent plea to stop the flow.

Slightly is next, and impatient for his dinner as always, so "stop swooning, Pan" isn't quite unexpected. the boys- among other children of all shapes and sizes and persons- have taken to calling him Pan in such a different way that i'm unsure if the boy-king ever was such. he's a prisoner the way i intend for him to be- on his own island, seemingly free, but trapped under my thumb. but he gets a taste of what could be if i were crueler when he decides to invade my treehouse.

all the children stay in canopy homes, or underground caves, or under wide leaves plucked from the shore, whatever they choose. everything is connected in some complex and invisible way that involves flight and bridges at the same time.

Peter stays in a small little thing, carved out of the wide trunk of a fruitful old tree. he climbs down his ladder one morning and scales the bark of my tree.

"Ray," he whispers when he reaches my quarters, and spends a week in Skull Rock watching himself die.

the boys and children, like they have made a name for Peter, have taken to calling me Sting-Ray, as if i have no bite to most and then. when it comes to me versus Peter Pan, they know where i got my name as a Lost Boy. which i still call all the children, if only for the sake of tradition.

the first night that it rains is a joyous time, and filled with nearly the same magic as is seen in my first time in Neverland. but this land is different, as i shaped it to better fit the children- less thorns, more sweet nuts and fruit.

it's the last day of Peter's stay in Skull Rock, and i go halfway through the celebration to check on him. spare half an inch of water, he seems fine, except the glazed expression about him.

"please," he whispers, staring at the wall to his left, but unseeing. "please."

"you let this ruin you, Peter," i tell him, with a voice made of steel. he flinches in surprise, eyes stirring around in search of my face. "as soon as you heard about the price of your youth, you let it consume you so much that you couldn't appreciate it."

"please," he whimpers.

"you told me i'd never rule you." silence follows, and it seems as though Peter has only been muttering one word for the last week. i tried not to listen. he swallows.

"but you always have, and you will until i die."

"who said i'd let that happen?" i ask, looking at the hourglass. it seems significantly more empty than when i dropped him off.

"i've got days left, love."

i'm suddenly overcome by guilt, and stop the rain. more sand slides through the glass.

"we're going to Storybrooke, then."

i hope he survives the trip. i lift him in my arms the way Felix carried me so long ago and fly into the main web of where the Lost Boys live. Nibs doesn't seem to approve of the visit, but agrees to load up ships in case a hasty escape is necessary.

"thank you," Peter mutters into my collarbone when we're mere minutes from Storybrooke. my shadow has taken over his motor control to preserve his strength, but i can't do much about his mouth. i don't know what he's thanking me for and am not sure i want to.

the roads are quiet, and nobody notices our approach to Granny's until we stand at the counter.

"Ivy," Ruby grins, barely glancing at Peter and coming around the counter to welcome me with a hug. "i wish i could say it's been so long, but i just lost a year of memories," she laughs. my brows furrow.

"what happened?" i whisper. Ruby glances at Peter for a moment, warily.

"he set a curse of Storybrooke that should have sent us all to the Enchanted Forest, but we woke up here this morning," she signs.

"how do you know it's been a year?" i sign back, and she nods at a heavily pregnant Mary Margaret talking to Henry and Emma.

"Henry and Emma left," Ruby signs, "and they just came back to help. Emma with her memories, Henry without."

"that must be hard on Regina," i mutter.

"it's hard on everyone. i gave him a hot chocolate with cinnamon, and he was really confused," Ruby laughs.

"Henry lost his memories?" Peter tries to step closer to Ruby and me, but my Shadow moves his foot back to where it was. "could i speak with him?"

"you killed him, Peter," i mumble.

"and you, but now i've learned where the power truly lies."

i roll my eyes. "i don't think it's safe."

"Sting," he tries. "Ray, please. i want to know he's alright." it's odd for Peter to call me something other than Sting, and when he calls me by what my parents named me, it's like he knows me more than i know myself.

"what the hell is he doing here?"

"Regina," i bow slightly on instinct from my years in the Enchanted Forest. "he's powerless and nearly dead, only standing because i've made my Shadow posses him. so, no real threat, but i did want to talk to you."

"he killed my son, and you let Gold die, why should i trust you?" the Evil Queen snarls.

"you don't have to, i just-"

"Ivy?" Mary Margaret wonders, then smiles and walks over to hug me.

"listen, i just wanted to make sure everyone, as in Henry, was alright. Peter is days from his end, unless i decide against it."

"let him die," Regina hisses in Peter's face. "you disgust me."

"wait," Mary Margaret disagrees, looking closely at the boy-villain.

"Sting may have her intentions, but i have my own. i took Henry's heart out of selfishness, but my true job as leader of Neverland was to care for abandoned or abused children, and let them free. Henry was abandoned more than once. he felt alone. i must be sure he doesn't feel that anymore."

Regina shakes her head, but Mary Margaret has a more open mind. she nods and goes to convince Emma, who hesitantly nods to Peter and me.

"my name's Henry. you're Peter and Ivy?"

"yes, it's lovely to meet you," Peter nods politely, sitting in the booth across from Henry. he's grown up since i last saw him.

"what do you think of Storybrooke, Henry? are you happy?" i ask, silently hoping i don't come off as creepy. he isn't too much younger than me anymore, maybe only four or five years, but his maturity is off putting.

"yeah, it's nice to have a break from school," he responds, and continues explaining how great and exciting his life is when suddenly Peter tries to reach for a napkin and my Shadow moves his hand back to his lap.

"Ivy," the boy in exile says with a hesitance of unfamiliarity, "i believe we must be getting back home."

"what's wrong?" Henry asks, revealing just a bit of childhood. my brows furrow. i thought we had days?

"well, Henry, i think you should take away just this message," i begin, helping my love up. "Peter Pan failed," i tell Emma's son, and we leave with only a flash of a grin to Ruby.

back in Neverland, the Lost Boys have boarded ships, and the Indians dance nervously around their camp.

"it's not your fault," Peter slurs against my neck, but it does nothing to stop the guilt from creeping in. we land at Skull Rock, and my Shadow leaves. "Ray, you don't have to. i'll pass the power onto you. the Shadow doesn't rule Neverland anymore," he struggles for breath, collapsing with my help to the ground.

"Peter, i've waited this long because i thought you were lying. still trying for more power. but you've proved to me that you can do this, so i will," i tell him, but he reaches a hand up to brush my jaw with his weak fingertips.

"my love," he whispers, "take the world and leave me here. it would be an honor."

i reach down and kiss Peter Pan, then stand, looking away from his dazed expression. there are only a few grains left in the hourglass. i reach over and punch the glass, making it shatter- the rock we stand in crumbles into dust, which makes us fly into the air with a strike of lightning and a gust of wind.

"Ray!" i hear, a shout in the swirl of dirt and rocks and leaves and water.

"i believe," i respond quietly.

the island bursts into color. i thought i had restored Neverland before, but this is the true power of the land. magic flows, bountiful, on rivers in the sky, and clouds reach down to kiss it reverently before floating away, light in color and soft in texture. the sense is overwhelming, but another bears the land with me- he floats, limp, only a few feet away, with all the magic flowing into his torso. the land is Peter Pan and Peter Pan is Neverland. i will myself forward, grasping my love's hand, and feel everything the boy-king ever has. his eyes fly open, and a grin full of life settles on his lips.

"i knew it," he mutters smugly. i roll my eyes and kiss him again. and again and again and the Lost Boys cheer as they run about their enchanting home.


End file.
